You can't please everyone.
I strongly adhere to this. I gave up trying to please everyone a long time ago. I couldn't come to an agreement with (A), so be it. He can do what he wants. I'll just keep a note to be more careful when interacting with him in future. Every individual behaves differently, and people change, so it's pretty much expected that at one point or another, even someone who was once your best friend could get on your nerve. When that happens, you either get closer because you understand each other better afterwards, or if things are sour enough, you might end up giving up and cutting the line.
Thanks for the response, Words can't express my gratitude to the advice you've posted. I'll be sure to keep it in mind. Part of my back-story? I wasted more than 20 years of my earlier years feeling sad. I'm sick of being sad, so I've taken measures to stay happy through bliss, ignorance, and connections with the right people. If this happened 5 years ago, I would probably be 100 times unhappier than I am at this moment. And at this moment, I pretty much feel indifferent/numb if I may say.
Yeap, just got back 2 days ago. Don't get me wrong, the trip was good fun. I've no reason to carry a black face just because of one person, so I thought nothing of it during the trip.(Okay, maybe a little bit, but I didn't let it bother me.)
The bad stuff that happened didn't anger me, they annoyed me. There is a difference. Anger is when you throw a fit, annoyance is when you just want certain people to shut up. Plus, I'm only annoyed at (A) for his attitude. I have no ill feelings towards anyone else in the party.
@Varine: GoYour friends still suck, but your taking it a bit hard....
Perhaps I am taking it a bit hard, but if I were to reference this with how I would take this 5 years ago, its a big improvement.. I can't say they suck though because that would make me a hypocrite if the roles were reversed.
Personally I'm like 25% Czechoslovakian, (it doesn't exist) and a tad Scottish I think. I was born in the USA though so I understand your confusion there too. At least some Asian cultures like it when you interbreed with pure Japanese or Korean for example. However you get 50% Mandarin, 25% Japanese, 25% Korean too.
i spend a lot of my youth resenting stuff (probably why i never accepted the fact i had to "grow up and be "normal".. i want mine too ;^p )
(just feel if i'd have to restart i would not lose so much time on such stuff (hater s gonna hate, lovejoy 's gonna love and leave you etc) )
so
i feel it a duty of sorts towards others (plus you're nice i know, so double the dose :) )
lol about the sorting out other morphologies :) , 20 years ago no one would have been caught dead saying such things, i'm so glad that now it is possible
honest ;)
the times they are a changing [insert outdated music hahahahahahaha]
@Varine: Go Your friends still suck, but your taking it a bit hard....
Perhaps I am taking it a bit hard..
+-+---+-+-+-+-+-+-
So i edited in:
Don't think you have to be numb.. you have to be happy and get together as much genuine friends as you can to have a good life with!
Don't think you are taking it hard! You are not.. people being insensitive is all part of the problem ;)
Certain people will grow to be better if you confront them (others wont.. trick is knowing who's who or rather what's worth it or not.. i still suck at it after 30 years of doing it, so i suggest you get to it as soon as you can/must;) .. hope you "get it" quicker than i did)
I'm fairly used to my friends saying offensive things all the time. It's a guy thing. Guys are douchebags and say douchy things. It's our method of communication. (A), who I will call "nagging girlfriend" from now on, sounds like a nit-picker. Your nagging girlfriend is likely trying to pick a fight due to some past issue that you are unaware of.
As for yourself, just ignore your nagging girlfriend. You really shouldn't be taking this personally. If your nagging girlfriend is being a jerk, ignore them and move on. If the issue is still there some days from now you need to cut ties with this person as you obviously aren't going to enjoy time spent with them.
People do stupid things. The best course of action is always to be resilient. Let it go and move on. It shows maturity if you never let a problem stay with you.
Some people get their kicks from downgrading others, even if there is no legitimate reason to do so. (A) seems to be such a person.
I'd say ignore / avoid him and get a better "friend."
@OP:
Everything stated below is my personal view, and is not meant to be a standard.
In my opinion, the source of the mishap lies with the group (you included).
Gonna state a few actions/questions that I would find logical.
Concerning the shopping mishap:
Since you agreed to go shop for it as a group, and then suddenly it is decided to each get the gear themselves. I do not find it surprising that you turn to a friend for help.
Your friend assumed that everyone including you already went and bought stuff, and now you bring it to his attention that you haven't yet. He finds the timing a bit odd since you leave in a few days, thus his response is a bit rough. Also logical.
Now the important part about this mishap is whether or not he helped you get the gear. a good friend would have helped you even after reprimanding you for being late/tardy with getting the gear.
If he helped, then nothing is wrong and all is well.
If he did not have time, then nothing is wrong and all is well.
If he did have time but did not help, then are you certain you can count him as a friend, and not just as someone you know....
Concerning the Walking stick mishap:
Did you state to them that you were going to get a sweater out of the van?
Your friends should have bought you a walking stick as well, if they noticed you weren't there.
You should have asked if they also bought one for you, instead of assuming they did. (More so due to the first mentioned mishap)
Concerning the Airplane seat mishap:
Did you change back to your original seat after "A" jokingly said sure?
If you did, then A should not have mentioned it anymore
If you did not, then A should have made it a bit more clear that he wanted to sit at the window seat, but you should have moved back to your original seat.
I am not going to comment further on this mishap.
"A" sounds to me like a person who has problems with seeing stuff from another point of view. He would either be the kind of person who takes the role of group leader on him, or becomes somewhat solitary even in groups.
In my experience the best way to deal with these people is by not asking them for help on a short term, but instead plan ahead with him. This type of person does sound like someone who is responsible, but only for things that can be planned for. if something unplanned happens he "freaks" out and will most likely try to lay the blame somewhere else. in this case it would be on the person who bothered him with something unplanned.
I could be entirely wrong with how "A"'s personality is but this is how it looks like to me from your text.
Now concerning the 2 questions you stated:
Were you being irresponsible?
no - You expected to go shop for the gear with them together.
You did not know that you had to buy the sticks at the start of the park, and only noticed that the rest already bought them at the lodging.
Was A being unreasonable?
two-fold answer
no - you might not think this to be true, but his reasoning is solid for him.
He assumed that you like the rest of the group bought your own walking stick.
He assumed that the seats for the airplane were as they stood on the ticket.
yes - he should have noticed that you went to get a sweater and thus missed the part about getting the walking sticks at the park-entrance.
yes - he should not have made such a big deal about the airplane seating assuming he did get to sit in his designated seat during the flight.
Also the size of the group does affect how well it all goes. with the information that I have from your post I would say that they should have noticed that you went to get a sweater, therefor it was irresponsible of them to not notify you that you needed to buy the stick at the entrance.
Hope this bit of text was not too much for you to read, and of course this is all my personal opinion, and I do not have any psychological degrees or what so ever. Just in case you might think that due to this post.
Also keep in mind that this opinion is purely based on what you posted and some of my experiences with different types of people.
And once again reminding you that his is all my personal opinion and that it should not affect the decisions you make about how you will handle it, because I do not know the persons who you are talking about.
Thank you Helral, it was not too much to read at all. It shines a lot of light on the situation and certainly does help me understand it better.
Quote:
"A" sounds to me like a person who has problems with seeing stuff from another point of view. He would either be the kind of person who takes the role of group leader on him, or becomes somewhat solitary even in groups.
I can attest to this. Amongst our group (A) would usually take upon the role of the leader.
Granted, I quote houndofbaskerville, "Social conduct is tricky as hell". It's not something I'm too good at, but that's an area I'm trying to improve on.
I'll keep what has been discussed in mind. Thank you all for the feedback, I shall now put this matter aside as I wish to wallow on it no further.
As soon as your friend started lecturing you you have 2 options or maybe 3 actually
Ignore him completely and just act like he no longer exists
listen to what he says .... read deep into it.... question him on where you can improve upon yourself to avoid angering him in the future
tell him to fuck off, bring up the most annoying aspects of his own character...... and then sock him in the face ..... then get his girl friend drunk and make out with her
the last one is my favorite
honestly though your friends sound like douche bags .... sending you to the car to get shit while they pick up stuff .... then yall head out with out making sure nobody is missing anything
WTF is a hiking stick...... I grew up in a woods/mountainy area.... and ive never needed a ..... walking stick.... thats for old people or wussies
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I went with option 1. It'll be valid as long as it has to be.
Quote:
WTF is a hiking stick...... I grew up in a woods/mountainy area.... and ive never needed a ..... walking stick.... thats for old people or wussies
Maybe Walking stick is the correct term, I was originally inclined to just use the word "stick"... but it sounds wrong in many contexts: "Hey, need a stick?". I don't know if you've ever climbed Mt. Kinabalu, but many people use a walking stick to lessen strain on the knees on the way up and down.
@Eiviyn: Go
You can't please everyone. I strongly adhere to this. I gave up trying to please everyone a long time ago. I couldn't come to an agreement with (A), so be it. He can do what he wants. I'll just keep a note to be more careful when interacting with him in future. Every individual behaves differently, and people change, so it's pretty much expected that at one point or another, even someone who was once your best friend could get on your nerve. When that happens, you either get closer because you understand each other better afterwards, or if things are sour enough, you might end up giving up and cutting the line.
@houndofbaskerville: Go
Thanks for the response, Words can't express my gratitude to the advice you've posted. I'll be sure to keep it in mind. Part of my back-story? I wasted more than 20 years of my earlier years feeling sad. I'm sick of being sad, so I've taken measures to stay happy through bliss, ignorance, and connections with the right people. If this happened 5 years ago, I would probably be 100 times unhappier than I am at this moment. And at this moment, I pretty much feel indifferent/numb if I may say.
@EternalWraith: Go
Yeap, just got back 2 days ago. Don't get me wrong, the trip was good fun. I've no reason to carry a black face just because of one person, so I thought nothing of it during the trip.(Okay, maybe a little bit, but I didn't let it bother me.)
The bad stuff that happened didn't anger me, they annoyed me. There is a difference. Anger is when you throw a fit, annoyance is when you just want certain people to shut up. Plus, I'm only annoyed at (A) for his attitude. I have no ill feelings towards anyone else in the party.
@Varine: Go Your friends still suck, but your taking it a bit hard....
Perhaps I am taking it a bit hard, but if I were to reference this with how I would take this 5 years ago, its a big improvement.. I can't say they suck though because that would make me a hypocrite if the roles were reversed.
@Reaper872: Go
She looks Chinese to me o.O that pic is from the banner of a forum where I used to get my music, getaznmusic.com I think.
@FuzzYD: Go
Well obviously Oriental anyway. I get my Asians mixed up at times, sorry.
@Reaper872: Go
No need for apologies :P It's normal, as an Asian, I myself can't tell apart an Australian, European or American either
@FuzzYD: Go
Personally I'm like 25% Czechoslovakian, (it doesn't exist) and a tad Scottish I think. I was born in the USA though so I understand your confusion there too. At least some Asian cultures like it when you interbreed with pure Japanese or Korean for example. However you get 50% Mandarin, 25% Japanese, 25% Korean too.
De nada, really
i spend a lot of my youth resenting stuff (probably why i never accepted the fact i had to "grow up and be "normal".. i want mine too ;^p )
(just feel if i'd have to restart i would not lose so much time on such stuff (hater s gonna hate, lovejoy 's gonna love and leave you etc) )
so
i feel it a duty of sorts towards others (plus you're nice i know, so double the dose :) )
lol about the sorting out other morphologies :) , 20 years ago no one would have been caught dead saying such things, i'm so glad that now it is possible
honest ;)
the times they are a changing [insert outdated music hahahahahahaha]
___________________
edit:
you typed: @houndofbaskerville: Go
And at this moment, I pretty much feel indifferent/numb if I may say.
@EternalWraith: Go
@Varine: Go Your friends still suck, but your taking it a bit hard....
Perhaps I am taking it a bit hard..
+-+---+-+-+-+-+-+-
So i edited in:
Don't think you have to be numb.. you have to be happy and get together as much genuine friends as you can to have a good life with!
Don't think you are taking it hard! You are not.. people being insensitive is all part of the problem ;)
Certain people will grow to be better if you confront them (others wont.. trick is knowing who's who or rather what's worth it or not.. i still suck at it after 30 years of doing it, so i suggest you get to it as soon as you can/must;) .. hope you "get it" quicker than i did)
FYI, this sounds like a pretty dumb conflict.
I'm fairly used to my friends saying offensive things all the time. It's a guy thing. Guys are douchebags and say douchy things. It's our method of communication. (A), who I will call "nagging girlfriend" from now on, sounds like a nit-picker. Your nagging girlfriend is likely trying to pick a fight due to some past issue that you are unaware of.
As for yourself, just ignore your nagging girlfriend. You really shouldn't be taking this personally. If your nagging girlfriend is being a jerk, ignore them and move on. If the issue is still there some days from now you need to cut ties with this person as you obviously aren't going to enjoy time spent with them.
People do stupid things. The best course of action is always to be resilient. Let it go and move on. It shows maturity if you never let a problem stay with you.
Some people get their kicks from downgrading others, even if there is no legitimate reason to do so. (A) seems to be such a person. I'd say ignore / avoid him and get a better "friend."
@OP: Everything stated below is my personal view, and is not meant to be a standard.
In my opinion, the source of the mishap lies with the group (you included).
Gonna state a few actions/questions that I would find logical.
Concerning the shopping mishap:
Now the important part about this mishap is whether or not he helped you get the gear. a good friend would have helped you even after reprimanding you for being late/tardy with getting the gear.
If he helped, then nothing is wrong and all is well.
If he did not have time, then nothing is wrong and all is well.
If he did have time but did not help, then are you certain you can count him as a friend, and not just as someone you know....
Concerning the Walking stick mishap:
Concerning the Airplane seat mishap:
If you did, then A should not have mentioned it anymore
If you did not, then A should have made it a bit more clear that he wanted to sit at the window seat, but you should have moved back to your original seat.
I am not going to comment further on this mishap.
"A" sounds to me like a person who has problems with seeing stuff from another point of view. He would either be the kind of person who takes the role of group leader on him, or becomes somewhat solitary even in groups.
In my experience the best way to deal with these people is by not asking them for help on a short term, but instead plan ahead with him. This type of person does sound like someone who is responsible, but only for things that can be planned for. if something unplanned happens he "freaks" out and will most likely try to lay the blame somewhere else. in this case it would be on the person who bothered him with something unplanned.
I could be entirely wrong with how "A"'s personality is but this is how it looks like to me from your text.
Now concerning the 2 questions you stated:
You did not know that you had to buy the sticks at the start of the park, and only noticed that the rest already bought them at the lodging.
He assumed that you like the rest of the group bought your own walking stick.
He assumed that the seats for the airplane were as they stood on the ticket.
Also the size of the group does affect how well it all goes. with the information that I have from your post I would say that they should have noticed that you went to get a sweater, therefor it was irresponsible of them to not notify you that you needed to buy the stick at the entrance.
Hope this bit of text was not too much for you to read, and of course this is all my personal opinion, and I do not have any psychological degrees or what so ever. Just in case you might think that due to this post.
Also keep in mind that this opinion is purely based on what you posted and some of my experiences with different types of people.
And once again reminding you that his is all my personal opinion and that it should not affect the decisions you make about how you will handle it, because I do not know the persons who you are talking about.
Best regards, Helral.
@Helral: Go
Thank you Helral, it was not too much to read at all. It shines a lot of light on the situation and certainly does help me understand it better.
I can attest to this. Amongst our group (A) would usually take upon the role of the leader.
Granted, I quote houndofbaskerville, "Social conduct is tricky as hell". It's not something I'm too good at, but that's an area I'm trying to improve on.
I'll keep what has been discussed in mind. Thank you all for the feedback, I shall now put this matter aside as I wish to wallow on it no further.
@FuzzYD: Go
As soon as your friend started lecturing you you have 2 options or maybe 3 actually
the last one is my favorite
honestly though your friends sound like douche bags .... sending you to the car to get shit while they pick up stuff .... then yall head out with out making sure nobody is missing anything
WTF is a hiking stick...... I grew up in a woods/mountainy area.... and ive never needed a ..... walking stick.... thats for old people or wussies
@SouLCarveRR: Go
I went with option 1. It'll be valid as long as it has to be.
Maybe Walking stick is the correct term, I was originally inclined to just use the word "stick"... but it sounds wrong in many contexts: "Hey, need a stick?". I don't know if you've ever climbed Mt. Kinabalu, but many people use a walking stick to lessen strain on the knees on the way up and down.