Mechanics that rely on RNG or chance/luck are never seen in SC2. Neither attacks or abilities have a chance to do something different (for example, critical strikes or randomized damage or chance based slows do not exist in SC2). 40% chance to avoid an attack is luck based and therefore has no place in Starcraft 2, and even less of a place in a forum RPG.
Even if it were reworked (for example, a variant of the Immortal's hardened shields), it would pack too much utility for a single ability (armor penetration AND damage evasion). I would either rework the damage evasion and eliminate armor penetration or simply eliminate damage evasion and keep it as armor penetration only. With 60 base damage, armor penetration will do little for your hero's DPS as even the most beefy units will have an armor stat less than or equal to 5 (so 8.33% more damage in the best case scenario).
I haven't actually changed Phase Shifter yet. I am letting you decide on how to change it.
Wrath of the Ancients
Active
Cost: 50 Cool down: 5 Range: 8
-Telemose unleashes a stream of psionic energy at a single target dealing 75 damage (+75 vs. mechanical).
Fine as is.
Quote:
Immense Power
Active
Cost: 75 Cool down: 10 Range: 9
-Lifts a unit into the air, and then smashes it against the ground dealing 100 damage and stunning it for 1 second. 1.5 second stun total (including lifting into air).Cannot target massive units.
Decreased cooldown and damage. Stun takes extended by being lifted into air.
Quote:
Obliteration
Passive
-Should Telomose slay an enemy with Twilight, a psionic shockwave ripples out from the body of the victim, dealing 30 damage to all similar nearby units within a range of 1.5 of the killed unit.
What do you mean by similar nearby units? Why not simply all units? Decreased range as 4 is way too much (about a Command Center). Also, why not just use the splash stat and have 3 abilities instead? Cheaper.
Quote:
Phase Shifter
Passive
-All attacks targeting Telomose have a 40% chance to pass through him. In addition, all of Telomose’s basic attacks ignore armor.
Apart from being quite OP, the ability relies on chance, and that is never seen in Starcraft. I would change it so that attacks only ignore armor or so that it is a remade first part of the ability (e.g damage reduction or an active that gives invulnerability to the next X attacks).
Also, as I mentioned in the PM, he background needs to be altered.
I have written a nice long explanation of what tech and supply represent and why factions still need to operate planetside mining bases in order to deploy troops. I wrote form a purely protoss perspective but the same idea applies to terran armies and, more loosely, to zerg broods.
Apart from that, a protoss RPG appendix is also in the works. It is mostly done and will be completed soon^tm.
Orloth, what are you talking about? I had no idea this "Mozared2" was actually our well known Mozared, until you pointed it out and he admitted it. No idea at all.
The character has my approval, since that is apparently needed.
Opheilm is one of the young Dark Templars that was with Zeratul when the latter first met with Tassadar. Initially not trusting the Khalai Protoss, Opheilm was against Zeratul aiding Tassadar as he carries a huge resentment against the Conclave. After witnessing Tassadar's devotion to the future of the Protoss, and his views about both light and dark, Opheilm gradually grew to respect Tassadar as a great leader and as someone who is able to bring the gap between the 2 sides. However, this all changed when Aldaris made the announcement that Tassadar was a traitor and has no longer any say in the Conclave.
Resentment against the Conclave began to fill Opheilm again as he believes that the Conclave were stuck on old ideals that will just lead to their downfall. Regardless, he still greatly respects Tassadar as an individual and continues to serve him. His experiences with Tassadar, Raynor and Fenix has convinced him that both of their races can work together for the greater good.
However, everything changed for him when during the final battle of the overmind, whereby, Tassadar sacrificed himself to destroy the overmind. Not understanding fully why Tassadar would willingly sacrifice himself for these foolish Protoss, Opheilm's resentment for the Conslave grew into hatred as he believes that it shouldn't have been Tassadar that died that day.
Background - Brood War
While aiding the Protoss in the escape to Shakuras, before the Warp Gate was shut down, Opheilm was knocked unconscious by the Zerg, not before managing to kill his attacker. When he woke up, he found himself at Shakuras, battered and injured. While the Dark Templar and protoss refugees were assaulting the Zerg on Shakuras, Opheilm chose to run away from it all. Disillusioned and weary from conflict, he boarded his shuttle and went into cold sleep, drifting into the sea of stars...
Unknown to him, while drifting aimlessly, his shuttle has been sucked into a random wormhole that connects the Koprulu sector to the Eurim sector. Opheilm just continued to be in cold sleep, as though this is what he wants.
Centuries after WoL
The shuttle continued drifting until it was too close to the Planet Khasan and was sucked into it due to its gravitional pull and in part, the poor maintenance of the shuttle. This woke Opheilm up from his slumber. Realizing that he was surrounded by a megalopolis of Protoss settlements, he went ahead and made contact with them, and since he was a Dark Templar, he was given a scouting position in the army. He soon came to understand that The Ancestral Imperium of Protoss is exactly the same as the Protoss Conclave led by the Khalai. This brought back up painful memories and once again, stirred up ambivalent feelings of hatred and loss within him.
It was then he met the Praetor Erana whom reminded him very much of Tassadar. It was through Erana that he managed to find a source of peace in this sector hostile to him just because of his caste. He found Erana's views of racial segregation and the Dark Templar to be very similiar to Tassadar and vowed his alligence to Erana - the same way that Zeratul had once sworn to help Tassadar. Since then, Opheilm has been acting as a slient guardian to Erana, overseeing everything that goes around Erana.
Not too long later, the Zerg invaded and Opheilm proved himself as a Master scout during the war, the battles and experiences that he faced during his time at the Koprulu sector gave him much exposure to the Zerg and their tactics. His timely and accurate reports saved the lives of countless of Protoss and even at times, allowed them to turn the tide of battle, earning him the nickname "Shadow"
Despite his efforts, the overwhelming concentrated numbers of the Zerg still proved to be too formidable against the divided unity of the Protoss. It was then that Praetor Erana managed to get all the different tribes of Protoss and even the Terrans to work together against their common enemy. This brought back memories of the alliance between Zeratul, Tassadar and Raynor. In Praetor Erana, Opheilm saw Tassadar. He envisioned himself as Zeratul and the Terran as Raynor's Raiders. Except that this time, "Tassadar" didn't die after the war.
After the Battle Of Arken
Despite being a Dark Templar, Opheilm was given the rank of Praetor after the war for his heroic exploits. However, on the day where he was awarded Praetor, The Imperium arrested Erana and stripped the rank of Praetor away from Erana. It dawned on him that he was awarded Praetor to fill in the gap in the conclave that Erana once held.
Opheilm realized that being a Praetor, he would have a say regarding racial segregation and other conservative laws that the regime has and he would be able to carry on Erana's views, but he may very well lose a close friend whom he sworn to protect. Against his better judgement, he chose to stay on as a Praetor. Despite being made Praetor and openly voicing out his views, the Imperium's disdain and ostracize against Dark Templar and the Nerazim hasn't changed and slowly, he became disillusioned again. It was at this time he thought of what Zeratul would have done, and he fell to his knees in remorse and mortification.
Erana's Order
During this time, he left his Praetor position and joined Erana's Order, for a chance of redemption. There, he found the solace that he needed and has always dreamed of. There wasn't any Racial Segregation, both light and dark fought for the same cause. Although he initial faced some disapproval from members as he chose to become a Praetor instead of rescuing Erana that day, his abilities and judgement has earned the respect of everyone in the order. His sole motivation for going on now is Erana, whom he sees as a figure of Tassadar. He has since taken on a new oath, and vowed Erana will not die while he is still holds breath.
Personality
Opheilm likes to work alone or work with a selected few people that he trusts. Years of resentment and hatred has taken a toll on his mental state, leading him to be cynical towards others. Although it takes long to earn Opheilm's trust, once its earned, it will not be broken easily. After the events of Tassadar, He disdains taking away the life of both Protoss and Terran, as he has witnessed the mutual cooperation between both sides, however that does not go for Zerg. He fights the Zerg with a fevour unlike any other, and will stop at nothing to kill these abominations.
Blink -
Energy - Nil,
Cooldown: 10 seconds
Studying from his mentor, Zeratul, Opheilm is able to mimic his blink ability to 100% efficiency.
Twilight -
Energy - 0.9 per second
Advanced cloaking techniques enable Opheilm to move around without the "cloak blimp" being seen at the map
Expel -
Energy - 75
Using Psionic techinques, Opheilm is able to push a group of units back to range 6 from Opheilm. This ability shoots out as an AoE cone that extends from Opheilm Massive units are not affected. Cannot affect structures, but air units are effected. No damage is dealt.
Surreal Hallucination -
Energy - 50 (Per Illusion, Max 4 illusions)\ Picking up a few tricks from Tassadar, Opheilm is able to create 1 hallucination of himself instantly. These hallucinations differ in the fact that they possesses the same intelligence and will as Opheilm and lasts twice as longer. These hallucinations are used as more of a messenger then to actually distract enemies
Assassinate -
Energy - 100
Every Dark Templar is trained in the art of assassination. Opheilm is no different. Deals 225(+75 to massive) damage to a single target at melee range. However, Opheilm must not be revealed by any detectors while using this skill.
Heaven's Web Energy - 75 Cooldown: 10 seconds
Using the technology from the corsairs, Amagumo is able to launch a disruption web which disables structure type units from attacking for 20 seconds. Radius of 3. Range of 9 (MTs have range 8 when upgraded)
Supersonic Energy - 25
Cooldown: 30 Seconds
Charges : 5
Turns all thrusters of Amagumo to 150% power. Dashes the Amagumo for 10 Range in the timeframe of 1 second. However, this ability has 5 charges in which 1 will be used each time. Replenishing of charges can only be done either through repairs, or by docking at a stargate.
I was asking for your character's personal modifiers, not extra damage. I'm guessing Zhar is light, biological, psionic (and heroic of course) since he is a templar.
Extra damage to light/armored/biological/etc. is obtained by purchasing the damage and paying half the cost.
Say you want 50 DPS. That's 33 points. Now say you want a +50DPS to armored. That would be half of 33 rounded up so 17 points.
Your end DPS would be 50(+50 to armored) at the cost of 50 points.
As for dying... there is always a certain measure of plot armor protecting characters. So if Zhar happens to die stat-wise and his escape is plausible, he can be resurrected as a dragoon... at a cost. However, if your ship gets blasted out of the sky, your army, your tech and even your hero go with it, depending on the circumstances. I will not tolerate fail-safe features such as emergency warps. If your character somehow screws up and gets his ship blown up, it's his fault. He won't necessarily die, but losing army and tech (unless backed up or recoverable) will be a side effect, if logical.
Anyway, the abilities:
Twilight Storm
Energy: 125
Over a radius of 2.5, a twilight bolt strikes the ground. This deals 50 instant damage to all enemies struck.
Cooldown: 5 seconds.
Larger radius, less (but instant) damage, higher energy cost, cooldown to prevent spamming.
Feedback will be the standard SC2 version, draining all energy and dealing that much damage unless the target is heroic in which case it drains half energy.
Psionic Shield
Energy: 200
Creates a shield around Zhar. Zhar takes a maximum of 10 damage per hit. Lasts 15 seconds.
Cooldown: 10 seconds.
Chain Psionic Lightning
Energy: 100
The target and 2 nearby hostiles take damage. The target takes 100 damage. The second enemy takes 50 damage. The third enemy takes 25 damage.
@Zanryu: You will have to modify your Mental Chain spell and give it an energy cost of 125.
Cloak
Energy: 25 initial and 1 per second
Zhar becomes invisible. He can only be attacked directly if detected. Abilities may still be cast though. Abilities that deal damage automatically disable this ability.
You can make this cloak permanent if you want to.
The army point spending is correct. No, you cannot do that. If something costs negative points, it's supposed to cost 0.
@onslaughtbear:
Unfortunately, I won't be able to comment on your character's abilities today. I've been swamped with work and procrastination so don't have much spare time on my hands. I'll try to look at the stuff tomorrow.
For now, some more general comments:
I like your character and his backstory but I think you should provide more detail as to how Opheilm ended up in Eurim. Eurim is light years away from the Koprulu Sector meaning that a shuttle cannot simply drift into it after a few centuries, especially not by chance.
Also, you might be idealizing Erana but, given Opheilm's previous interaction with Tassadar, I guess that's reasonable.
Now... your ship. I think we've already said this multiple times. Flagships very big or at least moderately sized vessels. Therefore, a scout cannot serve as a flagship. However, if you really want to play the part of a lone wanderer in a small ship, I'm sure I can talk to Almaity and Orloth about... bending the rules a little.
Twilight Storm
Energy: 150
Over a radius of 5, 10 twilight bolts strike the ground in random areas. These have a radius of 1/2 AoE and deal 30 damage to each target struck.
The problem with this ability is that we have no fair way to randomize these bolts or anything else that is random. That's why we don't allow abilities that rely on chance. You'll have to modify this ability so that it does not rely on chance before I can properly balance it.
Blink
Cooldown: 10 seconds.
Transports Zhar to a location he can see nearby. (Up to a maximum of 10 range)
Personal Archon
Energy: 400
Transforms Zhar into a personal Archon for a short time. This doubles his DPS and triples his health. It takes 1 post to become archon (Meaning I post that I transform then next post I can actually use my archon self) and the ability lasts for 3 posts afterwards.
This is a no-go. Both lorewise and in terms of balance. Tripling health to 1500 and doubling DPS to 160 while retaining all speed, even at the cost of 400 energy and a 1 post charge up is... *sigh* power overwhelming. Either remove it completely or face an extremely big nerf. Lorewise, archons are supposed to be very unstable, last-resort units. An archon consisting of only one individual, even one using both Khala and Void powers would have a lot of trouble staying alive... just look at Tassadar
Apart from that....
You only have 3 abilities yet purchased 6 ability slots. Like Zanryu, you still have to add modifiers to your character and split up health into HP and shields.
@Zanryu
Shield Explosion
Shield: up to 100
Drains some of Kelanins Shield, dealing 0.75 damage per point of drained shield (up to 75 damage) to enemies in a 1.5 radius.
Cooldown: 15 seconds Note:You cannot control how many shield points are used. If you have more than 100 shields, 100 shields are automatically used up.
As for a ship, you don't have to go with the standard carrier/mothership models. Terrans can go for custom ship design so protoss and zerg should also be able to. You could also use an arbiter. Your ship's abilities are dictated by its stats, not its type. A very high maneuverability is what would allow you to enter a planet's orbit undetected, not a small size.
@All:
So far we've got primarily hero based players. While this is perfectly fine, I'd like to emphasize how this is not the most viable of set ups in big confrontations. It is perfectly fine for more RP-ish behavior such as politics or diplomacy or exploration but don't think that a very good hero will save you in big battles.
@Zanryu: My comments and modifications. Abilities first.
Psionic Storm
Energy: 75 100 damage over 4 seconds with 2 radius
Mental Chain
Energy: 80
120 damage to a single target.
Mental Chain will jump to an enemy nearby dealing half damage again (120->60->30). Can only jump up to 3 times.
Energy Explosion
Energy: all remaining
Drains all the left energy from Kelanin and deals 1 point of damage to enemies nearby for each point of energy drained.
After the damage Kelanin create a shield around himself with 5 points for each affected enemy. Additionally he recovers 2 points of energy for each affected enemy over 5 seconds.
Cooldown: 15 seconds
~If you want to keep Energy Explosion, I will have to modify/nerf it significantly. As it stands, it has the potential to clear a large chunk of army and ensures that Kelanin lives to tell the tale. I suggest you choose another ability as this one already overlaps with psionic storm
Mind Implosion
Energy: 50
Stuns all enemies in an 1.5 radius circle for 3 seconds and deals 30 damage.
Apart from that, you still have to give your hero modifiers (light, biological etc.), split his HP into shields and health (e.g. 400 HP, 450 shields) and define his weapon (you have a DPS of 40. Now you have to decide whether it's a 40dmg attack with a 1sec cooldown or something with different damage and cooldown. Also, give a name to the attack [e.g. Psionic Assault]).
I am also against the idea of a warp prism serving as a flagship. It is usually no more than a fragile, unarmed and small robotic crystaline energy transport. Flagships tend to be very big ships that can house armies. While you can have a smaller flagship, an armed warp prism is not an idea I am fond of.
As for the background story: Having a zergling pet is fine as long as it acts as a normal zergling and cannot be used in combat (unless it is bought as a character). Orloth also reserves the right to mess with it as he sees fit.
Also, I would have Karashin be captured by the Imperium. Terran pirates have absolutely no reason to go around capturing protoss executors, especially now that they are part of the Coalition.
Mechanics that rely on RNG or chance/luck are never seen in SC2. Neither attacks or abilities have a chance to do something different (for example, critical strikes or randomized damage or chance based slows do not exist in SC2). 40% chance to avoid an attack is luck based and therefore has no place in Starcraft 2, and even less of a place in a forum RPG.
Even if it were reworked (for example, a variant of the Immortal's hardened shields), it would pack too much utility for a single ability (armor penetration AND damage evasion). I would either rework the damage evasion and eliminate armor penetration or simply eliminate damage evasion and keep it as armor penetration only. With 60 base damage, armor penetration will do little for your hero's DPS as even the most beefy units will have an armor stat less than or equal to 5 (so 8.33% more damage in the best case scenario).
I haven't actually changed Phase Shifter yet. I am letting you decide on how to change it.
Looking forward to your tweaks.
Fine as is.
Decreased cooldown and damage. Stun takes extended by being lifted into air.
What do you mean by similar nearby units? Why not simply all units? Decreased range as 4 is way too much (about a Command Center). Also, why not just use the splash stat and have 3 abilities instead? Cheaper.
Apart from being quite OP, the ability relies on chance, and that is never seen in Starcraft. I would change it so that attacks only ignore armor or so that it is a remade first part of the ability (e.g damage reduction or an active that gives invulnerability to the next X attacks).
Also, as I mentioned in the PM, he background needs to be altered.
I have written a nice long explanation of what tech and supply represent and why factions still need to operate planetside mining bases in order to deploy troops. I wrote form a purely protoss perspective but the same idea applies to terran armies and, more loosely, to zerg broods.
Apart from that, a protoss RPG appendix is also in the works. It is mostly done and will be completed soon^tm.
Happy Easter.
Orloth, what are you talking about? I had no idea this "Mozared2" was actually our well known Mozared, until you pointed it out and he admitted it. No idea at all.
The character has my approval, since that is apparently needed.
@yukaboy:
I was asking for your character's personal modifiers, not extra damage. I'm guessing Zhar is light, biological, psionic (and heroic of course) since he is a templar.
Extra damage to light/armored/biological/etc. is obtained by purchasing the damage and paying half the cost.
Say you want 50 DPS. That's 33 points. Now say you want a +50DPS to armored. That would be half of 33 rounded up so 17 points.
Your end DPS would be 50(+50 to armored) at the cost of 50 points.
As for dying... there is always a certain measure of plot armor protecting characters. So if Zhar happens to die stat-wise and his escape is plausible, he can be resurrected as a dragoon... at a cost. However, if your ship gets blasted out of the sky, your army, your tech and even your hero go with it, depending on the circumstances. I will not tolerate fail-safe features such as emergency warps. If your character somehow screws up and gets his ship blown up, it's his fault. He won't necessarily die, but losing army and tech (unless backed up or recoverable) will be a side effect, if logical.
Anyway, the abilities:
Twilight Storm
Energy: 125 Over a radius of 2.5, a twilight bolt strikes the ground. This deals 50 instant damage to all enemies struck.
Cooldown: 5 seconds.
Larger radius, less (but instant) damage, higher energy cost, cooldown to prevent spamming.
Feedback will be the standard SC2 version, draining all energy and dealing that much damage unless the target is heroic in which case it drains half energy.
Psionic Shield
Energy: 200 Creates a shield around Zhar. Zhar takes a maximum of 10 damage per hit. Lasts 15 seconds.
Cooldown: 10 seconds.
Chain Psionic Lightning
Energy: 100
The target and 2 nearby hostiles take damage. The target takes 100 damage. The second enemy takes 50 damage. The third enemy takes 25 damage.
@Zanryu: You will have to modify your Mental Chain spell and give it an energy cost of 125.
Cloak
Energy: 25 initial and 1 per second
Zhar becomes invisible. He can only be attacked directly if detected. Abilities may still be cast though. Abilities that deal damage automatically disable this ability.
You can make this cloak permanent if you want to.
The army point spending is correct. No, you cannot do that. If something costs negative points, it's supposed to cost 0.
@onslaughtbear:
Unfortunately, I won't be able to comment on your character's abilities today. I've been swamped with work and procrastination so don't have much spare time on my hands. I'll try to look at the stuff tomorrow.
For now, some more general comments:
I like your character and his backstory but I think you should provide more detail as to how Opheilm ended up in Eurim. Eurim is light years away from the Koprulu Sector meaning that a shuttle cannot simply drift into it after a few centuries, especially not by chance.
Also, you might be idealizing Erana but, given Opheilm's previous interaction with Tassadar, I guess that's reasonable.
Now... your ship. I think we've already said this multiple times. Flagships very big or at least moderately sized vessels. Therefore, a scout cannot serve as a flagship. However, if you really want to play the part of a lone wanderer in a small ship, I'm sure I can talk to Almaity and Orloth about... bending the rules a little.
Point spending seems fine as far as I can tell.
@yukaboy:
Abilities:
Twilight Storm
Energy: 150
Over a radius of 5, 10 twilight bolts strike the ground in random areas. These have a radius of 1/2 AoE and deal 30 damage to each target struck.
The problem with this ability is that we have no fair way to randomize these bolts or anything else that is random. That's why we don't allow abilities that rely on chance. You'll have to modify this ability so that it does not rely on chance before I can properly balance it.
Blink
Cooldown: 10 seconds. Transports Zhar to a location he can see nearby. (Up to a maximum of 10 range)
Personal Archon
Energy: 400
Transforms Zhar into a personal Archon for a short time. This doubles his DPS and triples his health. It takes 1 post to become archon (Meaning I post that I transform then next post I can actually use my archon self) and the ability lasts for 3 posts afterwards.
This is a no-go. Both lorewise and in terms of balance. Tripling health to 1500 and doubling DPS to 160 while retaining all speed, even at the cost of 400 energy and a 1 post charge up is... *sigh* power overwhelming. Either remove it completely or face an extremely big nerf. Lorewise, archons are supposed to be very unstable, last-resort units. An archon consisting of only one individual, even one using both Khala and Void powers would have a lot of trouble staying alive... just look at Tassadar
Apart from that....
You only have 3 abilities yet purchased 6 ability slots. Like Zanryu, you still have to add modifiers to your character and split up health into HP and shields.
@Zanryu
Shield Explosion
Shield: up to 100
Drains some of Kelanins Shield, dealing 0.75 damage per point of drained shield (up to 75 damage) to enemies in a 1.5 radius. Cooldown: 15 seconds
Note:You cannot control how many shield points are used. If you have more than 100 shields, 100 shields are automatically used up.
As for a ship, you don't have to go with the standard carrier/mothership models. Terrans can go for custom ship design so protoss and zerg should also be able to. You could also use an arbiter. Your ship's abilities are dictated by its stats, not its type. A very high maneuverability is what would allow you to enter a planet's orbit undetected, not a small size.
@All:
So far we've got primarily hero based players. While this is perfectly fine, I'd like to emphasize how this is not the most viable of set ups in big confrontations. It is perfectly fine for more RP-ish behavior such as politics or diplomacy or exploration but don't think that a very good hero will save you in big battles.
@Zanryu: My comments and modifications. Abilities first.
Psionic Storm
Energy: 75
100 damage over 4 seconds with 2 radius
Mental Chain
Energy: 80
120 damage to a single target.
Mental Chain will jump to an enemy nearby dealing half damage again (120->60->30). Can only jump up to 3 times.
Energy Explosion
Energy: all remaining
Drains all the left energy from Kelanin and deals 1 point of damage to enemies nearby for each point of energy drained.
After the damage Kelanin create a shield around himself with 5 points for each affected enemy. Additionally he recovers 2 points of energy for each affected enemy over 5 seconds.
Cooldown: 15 seconds
~If you want to keep Energy Explosion, I will have to modify/nerf it significantly. As it stands, it has the potential to clear a large chunk of army and ensures that Kelanin lives to tell the tale. I suggest you choose another ability as this one already overlaps with psionic storm
Mind Implosion
Energy: 50
Stuns all enemies in an 1.5 radius circle for 3 seconds and deals 30 damage.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apart from that, you still have to give your hero modifiers (light, biological etc.), split his HP into shields and health (e.g. 400 HP, 450 shields) and define his weapon (you have a DPS of 40. Now you have to decide whether it's a 40dmg attack with a 1sec cooldown or something with different damage and cooldown. Also, give a name to the attack [e.g. Psionic Assault]).
I am also against the idea of a warp prism serving as a flagship. It is usually no more than a fragile, unarmed and small robotic crystaline energy transport. Flagships tend to be very big ships that can house armies. While you can have a smaller flagship, an armed warp prism is not an idea I am fond of.
As for the background story: Having a zergling pet is fine as long as it acts as a normal zergling and cannot be used in combat (unless it is bought as a character). Orloth also reserves the right to mess with it as he sees fit.
Also, I would have Karashin be captured by the Imperium. Terran pirates have absolutely no reason to go around capturing protoss executors, especially now that they are part of the Coalition.
Take care of that and you're approved.