Very interesting and thought out backstory, Chaos :)
First of all: The Coalition is led by the Quantum Legion, who are very pacifistic. They would not have anyone assassinated and would veto and suggestions of it. The Magratheans and Tirions aren't military factions so they leave cases like Castellan to the other factions. While the Aranov Consectorate used to be quite the stereotypic dictatorship before, Domovoi Aranov despises his father and does his best to not be like him. While I wouldn't say an assassination is past him, he wouldn't easily consider one.
That leaves two factions, The Pirates and the Auruleans. Doom Bonecrusher simply wouldn't care, and the Auruleans and Aranov Consectorate despise him enough that they wouldn't even consider hiring him (In case of Aranov, it'd be high ranking personnel left over from Aranov's fathers time paying and ordering the assassination by themselves, without authorization, and once found out they'd probably be sent to jail). The Auruleans themselves however are some mean sons of bitches and also happen to be the ones manufacturing stealth equipment and training ghost and spectre operatives for the entire Coalition. It wouldn't be the first thing they've done behind the Coalitions back either.
In short: Change that part of your backstory to specifically mention the Auruleans. The other Coalition factions wouldn't order a hit on someone.
Of course, after Castellan runs and steals stuff from the Auruleans, he'd officially become a fugitive and wanted criminal, so that stuff is ok.
And the last bit is a bit problematic: There weren't many big battles in the last few years. The three races are only fighting amongst themselves (Coalition vs Outsider, Imperium vs Exiled, almost every brood vs almost every brood), Castellan would only really have had work opportunities in Outsider space.
Character details: Dispersion Shield:
How exactly are you thinking this should work? If you take 22 damage, does it get reduced to 11, or does only the surplus 2 damage get halved, so it ends up 21?
The former is rather weird, as dealing less damage actually ends up dealing more damage. The latter is useless with its current numbers, as almost nothing deals 20 damage in a single hit to begin with, and you'll still end up taking quite a lot of damage even from that.
I think this ability would probably be best with the latter way, but it reducing everything after 5. Fully upgraded marines will do 7 damage (Down from 9), Zerglings 6.5 (down from 8), Stalkers and marauders 9 (from 13), Immortals 14 (from 26), Sieged Tanks 23 (from 41? not sure). More effective than standard Hardened Shields against low damage units while still very good against high damage units.
The other "hero" units get the same version of this ability, no need to make it weaker.
Master Crafted Weapon
-Dawn Blade: While the Dawn Blade is active, Castellan deals 5 bonus damage against biological units.
-Rail Rifle: While the Rail Rifle is active, Castellan deals 5 bonus damage against armored units.
This would literally just cost you 1 point if you added it as DPS instead of an ability.
Dawn Blade/Rail Rifle
Cost: None Cool down: 4
Weapons switch weapons between Dawn Blade and Rail Rifle.
This doesn't need to be an ability. Hero units can have multiple weapons as long as none of them have stats that exceed what you bought (Also, you can't make the melee weapon stronger because it isn't using the points invested in the range stat, just in case you were wondering)
Removing those two as abilities, your honor guards weapon switch ability and paying 1 point for the bonus damage reduces your heroes cost by 34 points combined, without actually losing anything.
About your second character, the lore is completely up to Wind, but I like what you wrote :) Telemose could create a very interesting story, probably more so than Castellan (Not saying Castellan is bad, I just think Telemose has a better set up for a really cool story), and could probably lead to some very interesting interactions with the Black Hand (New terran faction introduced in the last few posts)
As for the abilities:
Not sure whether bonus damage vs Heroic should be allowed. There aren't many heroic units in the first place, all of them are hero characters obviously, so having a tool that makes killing important characters easier is something that I don't think may be a too good idea I think. Also, don't think you really need cooldowns on your abilities. First passive is fine by me, the second passive is a bit trickier, I guess it might be fine, might not. It's ultimately Wind's decision anyway :p
Ok then, will edit the characters and stats. Was really honestly thinking of either using telomose or my Zerg character (just need to write lore for it) a I've really only played Terran characters in both the RPGs. So I'll edit Telomose, scrap Castellan and post Zerath :D
Edit: Ok so here is Zerath (For any of you wondering what he looks like, search up Tyranid Trygon)
Another wall of text ahead
Before the Overmind had even tried his assault on the Eurim Sector, he had experimented with the creation of organisms that could act as his generals. These “generals” would be able to control a small brood of their own and be mentally linked to the over mind. These individuals were stationary and fairly weak but their psionic presence was massive. Though these creations were mentally strong tactical geniuses, none of them truly could think for themselves. Yes they were able to be somewhat autonomous but none of them were ever able to think on their own without the Overmind.
This fact held true for years as the Zerg Swarm travelled to the Eurim Sector, until the Overmind experimented with the creation of a Zerg Prime. The thought behind it was the counter point to the thought behind the Cerabrates. The idea of an organism that could easily attack and defend while being able to comman a large force was born. This organism would be one of the strongest Zerg physically, while only having the psionical force equal to those of overlords and queens, so as to not create a psionic resonance when killed that may disrupt the swarm. The creature would also be the first that had full free thought and only have a weak mental connection to the Overmind, as opposed to the Cerabrates. Mainly to prevent any psionic back lash experienced if the creature would die.
Though the idea behind it was ingenious, but there was no creature within the swarm at the time that could fill the criteria needed. So the Overmind went on a creation spree, where he experimented with multiple Zerg genes until he achieved the desired specifications. And the result of his labour was Zerath, the only one of his kind. This creature, roughly based off a smaller version of the Nydus Worm, had the weapons to sow destruction within enemy lines and get out alive. Its tunnelling ability far surpassed any ordinary Zerg and its survivability was on par, if not surpassed, that of the mighty Ultralisk. Since tunnelling was its strong point, its above ground speed was sub-par off creep, but that con was levelled off with the fact that its body could generate bio-electricty as it moved and could fire it from its talons. The regeneration is like a Roach’s but much stronger. It also could create and shoot small globs of acid at air targets that could reduce Neo-steel to slag.
Though with his creation, Zerath, almost finished, all that was left to add was the autonomous mind. As the Overmind prepared to do just that, the events of the invasion of Eurim Sector had started and the Overmind put the project on hold in stasis. As the battle for the Eurim Sector reared to its ugly end, the Overmind saw great flaws in the Zerg Swarm. One problem may have been the lack of free thinking within his swarm. With that in mind, he started to upgrade Zerath with an increased vigor, a month later, Zerath was fully functional. The Overmind gave him all the information gathered on the Terran and Protoss forces in hopes that his greatest creation would be able to find away to destroy the enemy.
Having been brought into existence in the post war scene, Zerath saw it as a great opportunity to personally assess the forces of the enemy and create tactics that would bring the enemies down to their knees. Though, at the back of his mind, Zerath realized he was one of the few Zerg that truly could think for himself. Seeing that his creation was a great risk on the Overminds part, Zerath knew that the Overmind would not hesitate to end his existence once the sector was under Zerg control. Knowing this, Zerath also planned to assess and discover his fellow cerabrate’s tactics and forces as wellin preparation for the day that he would cross them before they crossed him.
Currently, Zerath takes on assignments given to him by other cerebrates so that he can assess them while simultaneously asses the enemy of the Zerg Swarm.
Zerath, Zerg Prime
-Type: Heroic, Biological, Massive
-Scything Talons: 30/0.33 seconds
-Smash Attack: 90/second
Note: Only used against armoured targets
-Vile Swarm: 45x2/second
Note: Only against air targets
-Cool down: 2.5
-Effect: Damages one target, air or ground, for 25 damage.
-Cool down: 10
-Effect: Zerath burrows into the ground beneath him, then is able to resurface anywhere within given range.
Terror from the deep
-Effect: When surfacing, all enemy units within 2 range of the surface area takes 50 damage and are knocked into the air for 1 second.
It will not die!
-Effect: Zerath constantly regenerates 4 health every second, even in combat. When out of combat for at least 10 seconds, the regeneration increases to 8 health every second.
Narvhal, Kraken Bio-Ship
When asked what attribute he wanted for his leviathan by the Overmind, Zerath, asked for a completely new type of bio-ship. Zerath asked for a ship that would be thinner, sleeker, and better in boarding attacks. Keeping these attributes in mind, the Overmind created Narvhal, a Kraken, the first bio-ship of its kind. Mentally connecting it with Zerath for increased coordination, the Overmind then resigned himself back to his own machinations for the sector.
Narvhal, had a unique attack pattern unseen by the Eurim Sector. The ship had countless tentacles at its bow to firmly latch onto other space vessels. Then Narvhal could send strong currents of bio-electricity through its tentacles to shut down and disrupt the other ships engines and functions. Then, Narvhal would send its large maw to penetrate the enemy ship’s armour. Then Narvhal would open the maw, in the heart of the enemy ship so as to let Zerath’s swarm to quickly conquer it. This technique coupled with Narvhal’s speed and maneuverability makes it a deadly ship to ship combatant. It also has a very different type tactic to land troops onto the surface. Unlike terran or protoss ships that would send drop ships loaded with troops onto the planet’s surface, Narvhal, like all future Krakens would physically “crash” into the surface destroying any terrain or structures in its path. This allows it to forgo losing troops in unprotected drop ships to orbital defences. It also allows Zerath to unleash his swarm unto the planet much quicker than any other army, Zerg or other.
Hello, Chaos. Not a bad write up. Here are my notes:
For reasons that I don't care to reveal at this stage, my Overmind does not do much of his own genetic manipulation, leaving it to his Cerebrates. If you think this can be reasonably done, I would prefer you edit your creation story to reflect being the pet project of one of the Cerebrates rather then the Overmind himself. If you want to retain your Mercenary status, one of the deceased Overminds, Lokin or Baal, might be best. Over all, though, I like the concept as a combat oriented Overlord as an evolutionary niche.
The increased air range would need to be paid for out of the damage of the air attack. So, as 6 range would cost 8 (5 more points), the dps of the air attack would need to be 83 (5 less points). Otherwise, having multiple weapons for different situations is not a problem, as long as it doesn't get out of hand. Three attacks isn't that bad, and you aren't cheating discounts, so I'll let it slide.
You're abilities are over powered. BEP does way too much damage for it's energy cost and an ability shouldn't really be weighted toward a particular armor type the way an attack is. The same goes for TftD, which, as a passive, shouldn't be doing that kind of damage, especially not when coupled with an essentially free ability. I don't mind Deep Tunnel, I would suggest actually letting us know what the limitation is: either define a range or say it requires creep. The regen is fine, but I'm uncertain on the numbers I should allow there. Let me get back to you.
Your ship just sounds like a Leviathan. Much like every and any Leviathan. Not particularly unique or special in it's capabilities or tactics. OK, you have bio-electricity, but you don't have the Sec score to let that have any mechanical effect. Cool story though, and I like that you are thinking about appropriate zergy tactics.
Wrath of the Ancients
Cost: 50 Cool down: 5 Range: 8
-Telemose unleashes a stream of psionic energy at a single target dealing 75 damage (+75 vs. mechanical).
Fine as is.
Cost: 75 Cool down: 10 Range: 9
-Lifts a unit into the air, and then smashes it against the ground dealing 100 damage and stunning it for 1 second. 1.5 second stun total (including lifting into air).Cannot target massive units.
Decreased cooldown and damage. Stun takes extended by being lifted into air.
-Should Telomose slay an enemy with Twilight, a psionic shockwave ripples out from the body of the victim, dealing 30 damage to all similar nearby units within a range of 1.5 of the killed unit.
What do you mean by similar nearby units? Why not simply all units? Decreased range as 4 is way too much (about a Command Center). Also, why not just use the splash stat and have 3 abilities instead? Cheaper.
-All attacks targeting Telomose have a 40% chance to pass through him. In addition, all of Telomose’s basic attacks ignore armor.
Apart from being quite OP, the ability relies on chance, and that is never seen in Starcraft. I would change it so that attacks only ignore armor or so that it is a remade first part of the ability (e.g damage reduction or an active that gives invulnerability to the next X attacks).
Also, as I mentioned in the PM, he background needs to be altered.
Mechanics that rely on RNG or chance/luck are never seen in SC2. Neither attacks or abilities have a chance to do something different (for example, critical strikes or randomized damage or chance based slows do not exist in SC2). 40% chance to avoid an attack is luck based and therefore has no place in Starcraft 2, and even less of a place in a forum RPG.
Even if it were reworked (for example, a variant of the Immortal's hardened shields), it would pack too much utility for a single ability (armor penetration AND damage evasion). I would either rework the damage evasion and eliminate armor penetration or simply eliminate damage evasion and keep it as armor penetration only. With 60 base damage, armor penetration will do little for your hero's DPS as even the most beefy units will have an armor stat less than or equal to 5 (so 8.33% more damage in the best case scenario).
I haven't actually changed Phase Shifter yet. I am letting you decide on how to change it.
Lore: ok I'm planning to change it to an early Zerg expeditionary force. Will change it when I get a free moment.
Cost: 10 Cool down: 1
-Regenerates 50 shield every second, consuming 10 energy a second
A Different Era
Cost: 150 Cool down: 300
-Having been created for an era long past, Telomose once had immense power that is now all but gone from him. Though in desperate times, he is able to call upon what was bestowed to him. Lasts 5 seconds
-Grants the following buffs
Becomes a colossus type unit (grows in size and is able to be targeted by air units)
Gains 2 splash damage range
Maximum shield increases by 200
Ability ranges increase by 2 where applicable